So last Friday Small Town entered a team in the Industry tournament for SoccerSix at Leyton Orient FC. We hand picked highly skilled individuals from the Small Town staff and bands to put out what would be a winning team. What we ended up with was something a lot, lot worse….

Small Town FC

Played   4
Won      0
Lost      4
Scored  1
Conc     9

Ref decisions contested: 83
Ref decisions that went our way: 0

We lost in the plate competition semi final to a much stronger looking Kerrang! magazine.

And now, a few awards for the team that tried so hard, but got nowhere:

Gareth Berry wins “Best Player”: Great saves, played every game in full and deserved a better result in at least one game. Did make one foul up, tipping a ball into his own goal. 

Alex Berry wins “Worst Player”: (Voted by his team mates) Assisted in at least 5 opposition goals by giving the ball away, or just plainly giving up. Tried to make excuses of “i’ve been wanting a sub - no-one is listening to me” but we all saw the cover up excuses.

Ash Hughes wins “Top Scorer”: Wins award based on scoring our one and only goal, although in fairness came a close 2nd to best player award.

Ben Poliszczuk wins “Unfittest Team Member”: Literally 2mins into the first game was calling for a sub and assistance of medical staff.

Sam Bass wins “Unluckiest Stiker”: Hit the post / side netting / keeper’s head / referees dog / commentator. Everything but the back of the net.

James Power wins “Played Most Like a Headless Chicken”: Turned up 3 hours late, wearing a pink football shirt and head band (all our team were in grey). Got on the pitch and within 30 seconds had given away a penalty.

Dan Page wins “Best Networking”: Used the phrase at least 600 times in a 2 hr period but did make some interesting contacts. Whether he remembered them the next day is still to be seen. Also wins an award for “Worst smelling farts” in team bus.

James Monteith wins “Scruffiest Player”: Not sure Leyton Orients pitch has ever been graced by someone wearing football boots that were only held together by tape.

Josh Coombes wins “Least played like his pre match summary”: Was supposed to play like a Chelsea star. Played like a Chelsea WAG.

Sean Bishop wins “Most played like his pre match summary”: Ran around a lot showing off his tan.

As for coach Pete, well the book falls with him. Wrong team selection, wrong tactics, wrong motivational speeches and wrong substitutions. However, I will remain in charge of Small Town FC for the next tournament and will not be pushed out of this role. I believe this team can achieve something… eventually…

In all seriousness though, a big thanks to all the lads who played, and to SoccerSix for a well organised and enjoyable event. See you next year. (Maybe)